WHEN DIVORCE IS OKAY

Wow! This one word has probably caused more pain and hurt to the hearts and souls of people today than maybe anything else that exists. This in an incredibly tough and sensitive topic to discuss but it has to be brought up. That's because marriage, which was designed to be a solid and wonderful foundation for life is not that anymore and it's no wonder that our world and relationships feel so shaky at times.

I have to say before going any farther that I don't know first hand what divorce is like. But I have talked with several who do and I have talked to even more kids who have been gracious enough to share their stories with me. In a second, I would like to lay out what the Bible says about divorce as far as when it's okay and when it's not but I want to quickly say this first. Knowing what God's word says on this subject will do our world zero good until the time comes when we start to revere God and his word for what they really are. 1 Corinthians 1:18 says that God's message and his way seems foolish to those who don't know and love him. So the real problem is not that we don't know what God says, but that we don't know God, and frankly we don't care to. As you think about your own experiences with divorce or about the experiences of others, will you please pray with me that the hearts of our world will be mercifully changed and drawn to God.

HISTORY
Divorce has been around for ages and dates all the way back to Bible times. Let's fast forward several thousand years though to a more recent event that changed the landscape of marriage forever. In 1969, the governor of California at the time, Ronald Reagan, signed into law the first bill allowing for what was called a "no fault divorce". This law allowed couples to divorce for virtually any and every reason and has played a huge part in the popularity of divorce today.

WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS
Divorce was never and will never be part of God's ideal plan for mankind. God didn't create us for divorce and he didn't create marriage to end in failure. But, because of the the selfishness, greed, and pride of mankind, it is a big part of our world that needs to be dealt with.

In the Bible, divorce is never mandated or required of anyone, but it is permitted in two scenarios:

#1 - UNFAITHFULNESS
In Matthew 19:9, Jesus says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." So the first and one of the only times divorce is permitted is when an affair of some kind has taken place. Unfaithfulness doesn't mean that a couple should get a divorce, it only means that in this scenario, the loyal spouse in no longer at fault if the marriage fails. This concept of adultery is interesting to think about especially in light of what Jesus says in Matthew 5:28. "I tell you that any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

By this definition, almost everyone, and certainly all men, have a nasty record with adultery and this begs the question where does lustful thinking and pornography fit into the concept of unfaithfulness? Gregg Matte, whose recent talk on divorce was the inspiration for much of what I'm writing, uses three key parameters to answer this question: Habitual, unrepentant, and resistant to confrontation. So then, any person be it man or women, who is habitually involved in adulterous thinking or activity and who refuses to repent or respond to confrontation is being unfaithful.

#2 - ABANDONMENT
In this scenario, the apostle Paul is writing in 1 Corinthians 7:13 and 15 about a time when a believer and an unbeliever are married and considering divorce. To this he says, "If a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to leave her, she must not divorce him.... But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances." Is it never right for any believer to ask for a divorce or for them to act in any manner other than out of love that might drive their spouse away or towards infidelity. If a person has done everything possible to love their spouse and they still leave, then the fault is not on that person. An important point to consider along of the lines of abandonment is that of abuse. If a spouse is abusive either verbally or physically to the extent that their partner or children are at risk, and if they are like this habitually and resist confrontation, then that spouse has abandoned their spiritual responsibility to that family and divorce may be considered.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE DIVORCED OR ARE ASKED TO GIVE ADVICE ABOUT DIVORCE
If a person is divorced then they should stay that way until one of three things occurs. Until their spouse remarries, dies or until reconciliation happens. That spouse should pray and try to reconcile (notice that separation is not the same as divorce) but should not remarry unless either of the above conditions are met. This principle comes from Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5:32 that "whoever marries a divorced woman causes adultery to be committed." So adultery doesn't occur when people get divorced, it happens when they remarry after getting divorced for a reason other than unfaithfulness or abandonment.

What if a person has already remarried after getting divorced for the wrong reasons? First, that person should confess their wrongdoing to the lord and to anybody else that needs to be talked to and secondly, they need to commit to making their current marriage last for life!

Divorce is incredibly hard. In the words of Pastor Gregg, "It's like a bullet that goes in small but comes out big and and rips things apart on its way. We look at divorce often as a solution to our problems but usually only end up exchanging them for new ones." Is divorce the real issue here or perhaps is it something deeper? Could it be that our incessant obsession with having things our way and getting rid of things we don't like could be a result of our nasty, selfish, prideful problem with sin? I think if we as a culture deal with the sin problem then divorce will no longer be an issue. To quote pastor Gregg again, "Our sin is like a tangled ball of yarn that we can't undo no matter how hard we try." The harder we work at it, the messier it gets. How about if you and I stopped trying to fix our lives or exchange things like spouses and instead went to Jesus and asked him is we could exchange our messy, tangled life for a new one? Try it. He'll grant your request every time because he loves you died so you could be forgiven and have a fresh start.